The New Normal. Guns, The Flip Side. We need ’em.

Parody: something so bad as to be equivalent to intentional mockery; a travesty.

Welcome to the NEW NORMAL: Guns, The Flip Side. We need ‘em.

This is a revision of a post from Jan. 2013 after Sandy Hook in Newtown. Now there’s Mandalay Bay. If you didn’t believe it then, will you now?

Yeah, I just put out my 3-yr plan to get rid of guns, Mafioso style. As if that would work. Besides, nobody read it. Hell, Congress won’t even get rid of high-bullet magazines or assault rifles. So I started thinking about the real reason we need guns. Yes we DO need them. Sorry Bill Maher.

The problem is history, freedom and, most importantly, trust.

The history: the FBI estimates the  USA has about 300 million guns (and rising daily since Newtown). Yet now they say it’s 600 million. What a difference a few mass shootings makes.

Freedom: to use them anytime. We got ‘em we can shoot ‘em. So if you make new gun laws we will ignore them, just like the old ones. We don’t even pay attention to simple laws like stop signs, speed limits, or, making it more current, lying over the internet about our girlfriend dying of cancer to gain sympathy and more votes for the Heisman, lying about illegal use of steroids so you can win the Tour de France seven years running and make millions of dollars, lying to our constituents about taking money from lobbyist to gain office, beating our wives or children . . . I could go on and on, but you get it. I hope.

The last issue is trust. Why should I trust that I won’t get robbed walking at night in New Orleans, that my wife won’t be raped at night in Chicago, that someone won’t carjack me in LA? You know, I heard of a robber that forced their way into a home in Boulder, posing as a Mormon. We need guns because we don’t trust people. Not unreasonable. Did you know that there were over 11 million crimes committed in the USA in 2009. That’s one crime for every 100 people. What are the stats in your city? Murder rate, assault, rape, robbery, vandalism, drunk and disorderly, drug abuse, impersonating a Mormon? Lack of trust is in our genes, our country’s constitution, how the West was won (White Man speak with forked tongue), the CIA, our very jobs where everything has to be in writing about sexual harassment, sick leave, using cellphones, etc., etc., etc. We don’t trust our family, our friends, our priests, our bosses, our police, our military, or any other damn country in the world.

We have 300 600 million guns, the freedom to use them, either bad or good, and there are too many bad people out there to trust any stranger. Gotta have a gun. Simple. 

So, forget gun laws. They’ll never work.

Let’s focus on the insane. If we cure all of them, we will never have another Newtown, right? Are you shittin’ me? Do you have ANY idea how many people are on valium, lorazepam, Zoloft, Celexa, Abilify, Lunesta, Trazadone, Fluoxetine, Lithium, Aripiprazole, Quetiapine, Carbamazepine, Divalproex . . . and the list is literally endless. I bet half the third grade class in the good old USA is on Ritalin. How do you identify these “crazies?” Do you subpoena doctor’s records across the country to get a list of all the crazy people they’re treating? Once you have them all identified, how are you going to make them all better? You obviously know more about treating them than their doctor. Or is it just the ones that are not getting treatment? Okay, let’s round up all the crazy homeless people and put them in institutions. That will go over big, like the movie that made Jack Nicholson famous as a crazy man in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Okay, fine, just put them in jail. Our prison system is not overcrowded. Much. Wait, you say, I just want to keep the crazies from getting guns. You need to get that MRI quick. You already forgot the first few paragraphs above.

So, forget curing all the crazy people. That’s out.

We are left with lots of guns, lots of bad people we need protection from, lots of crazy people who can easily get guns from good people, bad people, or Wal-Mart, because it’s a free country and nobody wants to enforce the existing gun laws or change them.

Maybe we should just require all those good people who have guns to keep them from the bad or crazy people. Make them prove how well they secure their guns, keep them under lock and key. Problem is then we have to find all the gun owners, go to their humble and sacred abodes and inspect their security systems. That’s out, too. Hell, the NRA won’t even let doctors ask patients if they are keeping their guns locked up.

So, forget keeping guns safe by any laws. Period. Lock that one away. Throw away the key.

We just have to rely on all those gun owners to be good people, keep their guns secure and make sure no crazy or bad people get ahold of their guns.

What a new thought. We’ve been doing that for over a century. Worked well so far. Back to square one.

Let’s face it: We are at the NEW NORMAL. Yep that’s it, folks. The New Normal is that schools, sports games, movie theaters, crowded highway underpasses, any place you used think was safe is now a danger zone for a crazy with an automatic weapon and a grudge. Or maybe he is just a smart psychopath and no one in the world will ever know he’s crazy. But he has a gun! (Could be a she, too. Don’t count them out. Think of how many abused wives and raped female veterans there are, not to mention all those repressed in jobs due to their sex. God help the man from a woman scorned. Women caught up to men with lung cancer, so why should this new cancer of the gun be any different? Give ‘em time. )

The New Normal requires the same thing we did after 9/11 with airport security. We need security in all those previously safe places, and more, roaming the streets at night in those bad neighborhoods, keeping us safe from invasions. The good thing is there will be lots of jobs for those veterans returning from Afghanistan. There are others we want to hire, too. Job qual: can shoot and likes to wear a uniform, a bullet proof vest, Taser, Glock 17, and enjoys patrolling around movie theaters or being close to little kids. (Hmm, that sounds a little crazy to me.) You might have to make a law at the school so they won’t be watching videos or playing games or Tweeting on their smartphones instead of patrolling. Another law. Geez.

The NEW NORMAL: The USA is a war zone. The only thing we have to fear is each other. Bring us your tired, your poor, your starving, your mercenaries. We have just the job for them.  

I don’t know about you, but this sucks. I’m going to buy a gun.

And then I’ll write another thriller with lots of killing and maiming and torture, how we can’t trust the CIA or our doctor, how an ordinary citizen hiding in your midst could be a serial killer, because that shit is here to stay and everyone loves it. (Tongue out, Nanny-nanny boo-boo.)

 

Milt

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